Leaving the Baby (Coming Soon)

A few nights ago I had my first bad dream about going back to work. I won't call it a nightmare because it wasn't terrifying and it didn't cause me to wake up screaming. But it was disturbing and I remembered after I woke up, which I do not usually do.

I am very fortunate in my workplace's current maternity leave policy and when I planned out my maternity leave this summer, I also had an awesome boss (Uncle D for those who have read previous posts) who helped me get the most time without losing all leave for the rest of my year (which ends at the end of October, yay for random ways of doing staff leave, which I can comment on, as I'm the one who keeps all staff leave records for my office). But even having a great leave policy (12 weeks plus whatever other time earned one wants to use, all paid) I have to go back at some point (I am the primary breadwinner in our family, and carry the insurance for all three of us) and that point is coming soon. I've arranged with one of my supervisors (Uncle D having now departed to the West Coast) to go back 2 days a week starting January 22nd and then up to 3 days a week mid February and then full time in March, which is also really great because it allows for a gradual start to going back to work and leave X. And yet...

I don't want to leave my baby. I'm just getting to know him and he starting to seem as if he knows me and when I'm at work I'll get to see him a few hours a day and weekends, which stinks. And yet again, I have to acknowledge that I am so very lucky because I don't have to leave him with strangers, or daycare. He's staying home with his Mommy (Em) and that's amazing that we can do that. In fact, we managed to trade full-time mom status for his first year, with Em teaching his first three months and then when I go back to work she's taking off the spring and summer semesters and dissertating and being with X. And although this leads us to be even more broke then we already are (oy) it is totally worth it and works for Em's schedule with her quest to PhD and I will get over my bad dreams and we will make it work. But I am still sad at the thought of leaving him at home every day.