Dana Scully Never Took Newborn Care Class...

Incidentally, the title of this post should be said to the rhythm of "Hitler never played Risk as a kid" from this clip.

Dana. Can I call you Dana? Apparently everyone else in Season 9 gets to, including Mulder for fuck's sake, and since I am suffering through these episodes, I think I'd like to claim that right.

So anyway. Dana. I know your baby, who you are unable to remember to call by his name, apparently, is in terrible risk from Teh Evilz, in whatever form Teh Evilz are taking at this point in the conspiracy, which I realize none of us know or will ever understand.

But I'm a little more worried about you killing your baby at this point. Honestly, woman, have you read nothing on infant safety, SIDS prevention, and newborn development?

Let's start with this:


Notice how William's face is turned into the blankets? This is prime territory for rebreathing, which eventually causes suffocation. Soft bedding in the bassinet is a definite no-no.

Even though he appears to survive it.

Your mother has the right idea; she's clearly attempting a swaddle here. However, her technique is off; with his arms free to wave around, and the blankets behind his head, he could very quickly undo the swaddle and, again, get into smothering territory. In addition, the looseness of this swaddle doesn't provide the psychological comfort factor that swaddling should provide. So, good attempt from Maggie Scully, but it simply does not pass muster.

Plus: when the hell is this kid born that he needs to have so many blankets on him? Not that time seems to travel at the same pace in the X-Files 'verse as the rest of the universe, but it was not the dead of winter when he was born, which was apparently 48 hours ago; Xena D'Anna Shannon McMahon wore a cute slutty dress in a convertible and didn't appear to be freezing in the teaser. Overheating is another prime SIDS risk factor. Get the kid some of those cute bag things, already.

Hmph. By the internal timeline, William is...four to five days old here, depending on how many days elapse during the events of Nothing Important Happened Today I and II. Pacifiers are not recommended until two months of age because 1) newborns will try to nurse the pacifier and drop it 2) if newborns want to suck they need to be eating, due to their extremely small stomach size 3) nipple confusion and problems establishing breastfeeding if pacifiers are used too early.

None of this is to mention the fact that you gave birth less than a week ago and you are running around looking fabulous and fighting Evilz. You have brushed, washed hair, a shirt without milk stains on it, and literally the hottest coat you have ever worn in the entire series. AND, your whoever-he-is just departed for points unknown, so you are a single parent for the moment. WHY ARE YOU NOT HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN? Are you superhuman? (Oh. Possibly you are.)

So anyway, Dana, I know things are very stressful. I feel you, I really do. But can I put together a reading list for you? Sit down and have a little talk about baby safety? Please? For William's sake? That is his name, right?

(Screencaps from Chris Nu's site.)

(This nitpicking brought to you by Realbirth's class package: take 5 childbirth classes, and add breastfeeding class and newborn care class for SuperCheap! They're actually really great, NYC-ers; we highly recommend them, especially Erica Lyon, the founder who taught one of our childbirth classes and our newborn care class, and Jeremi, our teacher for regular class.)

(Also brought to you by my lovely wife's screaming at the TV last night, obviously.)