A full Year of X

Today is the day. X has been present in our lives in one form or another for one full year. Yes, that's correct, today is the day our little baby was conceived (although there is some argument it might actually be tomorrow). It's amazing to think about a full year of X. Even as a tiny fetus he had so much personality. And looking at him now, he's the same little being he was long before he was an outdoor baby. On my way out the door to work today he gave me a sloppy, almost kiss and proved to me that all the work is worth it for a loving, happy baby who is always excited to see me.

In other news, my workplace is pretty much collapsing around my ears, but that is a thought for another day.

Paper-work loving Crazy Lady

My second day back at work wasn't as difficult. To be fair to my first day at work, it also wasn't difficult, just very frustrating at the very end. My second day back proved that I was correct in assuming that it is going to take me most of my part-time easing back to the office to catch up the insane amount of paperwork that I got handed yesterday.

I discovered today the level to which my co-worker who covered this part of my job has bailed over the last month. Also, that I am very anal retentive and can't cope with other people's inability to aim when placing labels on file folders (seriously, if the label is at an angle and below the tab, what is the point of the freaking label?), bad handwriting on folders that everyone has to read and his refusal to put the freaking year when he dates his work on each folder (yes, I am writing the year on each folder as I go, but what of the many he already filed?). Yes, I am a crazy paperwork-loving nut, but seriously, this is a business, be neat!

I also learned that the pipe-dream I had of not doing the tech support part of my job until I'm back full-time (as my supervisor had agreed to) just isn't going to work. People don't understand technology and they are used to coming to me for help, and are so happy that I'm back to fix all their problems. I spent half of today dealing with lack of phone service. But what can you do. Off to Florida in the morning!

First Day Back

Today was my first day back at work. It was also the day that Emily finally became the third person in our home to come down with the Death. I was really worried that would happen, but hey, what can you do?

We got up at 8am, X and I sang songs together, Emily got him changed and dressed and we went in the living room and we put together my working supplies (breast pump, bottles to pump and store, freezer bag with ice packs, snacks). Then I sat down and nursed him and we cuddled for a few minutes and in no time, it was 9:10am and I had to leave. I cried...a lot. I tried to smile and wave and leave and not upset him, but I just couldn't pull it off. I actually don't think I upset him but he got pretty wet.

I got to work a few minutes early and the first part of my work day went well. I got handed a remarkable pile of paper and I started sorting through the chaos. For the time I am part-time (until March) I am only doing one of my jobs, the crazy details, infinite paper part. Em had a dissertation interview in the city, so Uncle watched X and took him shopping and to the library for Spanish board books (discussion of trying to raise X bilingual coming some day soon). Uncle, X and Em met at my office to trade baby and have lunch. It was great to see him and we cuddled and he got held by half my office and we nursed and then Em was feeling like death, so Uncle rearranged his scheduled and went home with them and stayed with them until I got home.

The second half of my day was also fine, until the last 5 minutes, when I got called into a tech crisis that I should not have been in charge of, even if demanding a problem be fixed 5 minutes before the end of the day was appropriate. Twenty minutes later, I couldn't fix it and had called our back-up tech guy with a desperate plea to come in the morning to help. I then packed up and ran to the subway, already 15 minutes later than I said I would be and with a sick wife, a sad, non-napping baby, and an uncle who had to be at work pretty much yesterday waiting at home. And then life went downhill.

I waited for 40 minutes on the downtown platform waiting for a frakking F train. In those 40 minutes 3 V trains came, so not helpful, and 4 F trains, all so full that I could not even try to fit on. Finally at 7pm, fifteen minutes after I am already supposed to be home, I get on an F and START my trip. I didn't get home until 7:45pm, at which point, Uncle kissed and ran and I went on duty with the baby and looking after Em.

X was sweet and happy to see me and we hung out and cuddled and played with his new bouncy seat that Uncle had bought him while they were shopping. He LOVES the toys that dangle in front of him. This is the first time he's really noticed toys on a toy bar, so this is entertaining. This bouncy seat converts to a toddler rocking chair when he's older and goes to 40 pounds, so that's cool. I changed and dressed him for bed at 9pm and we nursed and he went down at 9:30pm. I ran to the gas station on the corner (yes, we sometimes shop at the Mini-Market at the gas station when it's late and we don't have other options) and got Em Vitamin Water and then we watched some TV and now we are going to bed.

It has been a very long first day back at work, but I will focus on the fact that I survived it. Oh, also, X turned 3 months old today! His monthly review will come as soon as I find time in my life to write it in the next few days between work and flying to Florida on Saturday.

Off to work in the morning

Well, I managed to hold down food for the better part of today and the aching has slightly improved, so I am going to work tomorrow. Man, I could really skip that, but food and health insurance are just kinda essential. Wish me luck in the morning. I'm pretty sure there will be a pretty weepy Kate walking to the subway.

New York State is Awesome

Emily taught her first college class this fall. She also TA'd her first class. She LOVED doing it. I was always sure that she would do well and enjoy teaching, but it was great to see it for real. Her kids loved her and learned a lot. For the class she taught, she had them do final presentation on the last Friday of the semester and brought food and they invited X and I to come watch. It was awesome.

And now she is spending the spring and summer semesters doing field work and writing her dissertation and staying home with X, as I believe I have mentioned before. And we are going to be so broke, because this is her fourth year of grad school and only the first three had a stipend and she got paid for teaching, but no teaching again until the fall (and that's only if she gets the job she applied for; we find out next Friday), so no paycheck.

For the last week, we've been kind of jokingly kicking around the idea of her applying for unemployment. We weren't seriously considering it, because the idea that the state would pay her to be a stay at home graduate student mom just didn't seem possible. And then, she sat down tonight and went online and it turns out that she actually qualifies for unemployment and she will receive a packet in the mail and after a week waiting period, next week she can file for her first check. I cannot begin to say how amazing it will be to get any money at all for the next seven months while she stays home with X and does field work. We had just planned on being even more broke then usually and I have no idea how much money she qualifies for, but even $50 a week would be amazing!

Breast Milk and Me

My confession for the evening:

I spend WAY too much time obsessing about whether I have enough breastmilk in the freezer for when I go back to work. I actually had to explain to Emily a few weeks ago why I was crazy about using bottles of ebm if we start them and NEVER dumping bottles if they were still good (to the point of giving him the second half of a bottle before I nurse him at a feeding if there is a bottle sitting in the fridge that would have to be tossed otherwise). I just can't stand seeing breast milk go to waste. I worry so much about X not having enough food when I'm working and coming home to him hungry and crying. Logically, I know this is not likely to happen, but emotionally, I just can't handle it. It is probably just my way of expressing my sadness about leaving him and going back to work, but it is just a bit crazy making.

Off to pump.

More about sleep

I've decided that any schedule X appears to be following is irrelevant for the moment, as he appears to still have the tail end of the cold he's had the last week. I thought he was over it a few days ago, but considering the remarkable amount of snot we've been pulling out of his nose and the slight cough, I'm thinking I was wrong.

He has good mornings with cheerfulness and a long nap (1.5 to 2 hours) and then his afternoons feature very short naps from which he wakes up crying hysterically and not stopping until he is held close and reassured that his moms haven't disappeared while he was sleeping. It's kind of amazing, he truly seems to wake up with the fear of being alone and all you do to calm him down is keep telling him that Mama or Mommy is here and he's not by himself and he starts winding down again. His congestion isn't helping the naps at all, either.

I never imagined when I started this blog that it would feature quite this much discussion of my son's sleep, but I suppose that's just because I didn't know any better. Sleep is REALLY important. I go back to work part time in less than two weeks and I really want him to be on as good a footing as possible before I do. Sigh.

Oh, the Tired

I've been thinking about this "going back to work" thing, a lot. And until today, all this thinking has been about the emotions of it all. How I'm going to miss my baby and my time spent being with him and my day being all about him and so on and so forth. And then today happened. We took the bus to the "bourgie" neighborhood up one from ours and had Indian food for lunch and then walked the 16 blocks to the Coop and did our weekly grocery shop and then carried all $136 of groceries home in three handled bags on the bus and then walked the rest of the way home (while Emily carried the child in the Ergo) and we walked in the door and I walked to the basement and put in laundry and then came up the stairs and finished putting away the groceries and sat down for a minute, and COULD NOT GET UP.

So I have a new way of thinking about going back to work. I got used to being tired all the time physically when I was pregnant and working and I've gotten used to being tired all the time and staying home with the baby, but my goodness, I can't quite imagine how I'm going to handle being tired all the time while working and having the baby at home. I'm officially not thinking about that again for a few more days.

On a different note: We ended up not waking X up at 9:30am as planned, because we were too tired to get up then. He woke up at 10am by himself, although we gently encouraged him to stay awake and today wasn't a disaster. He slept for an hour before we went out for the day and then dozed in the Ergo pretty much the entire time we were out (2 hours) and then was pleasant for the rest of the afternoon and evening and went to sleep at 10pm and has been down since. So, it's official, we are NEVER waking him in the morning before he wants to be awake unless we absolutely have to.

Leaving the Baby (Coming Soon)

A few nights ago I had my first bad dream about going back to work. I won't call it a nightmare because it wasn't terrifying and it didn't cause me to wake up screaming. But it was disturbing and I remembered after I woke up, which I do not usually do.

I am very fortunate in my workplace's current maternity leave policy and when I planned out my maternity leave this summer, I also had an awesome boss (Uncle D for those who have read previous posts) who helped me get the most time without losing all leave for the rest of my year (which ends at the end of October, yay for random ways of doing staff leave, which I can comment on, as I'm the one who keeps all staff leave records for my office). But even having a great leave policy (12 weeks plus whatever other time earned one wants to use, all paid) I have to go back at some point (I am the primary breadwinner in our family, and carry the insurance for all three of us) and that point is coming soon. I've arranged with one of my supervisors (Uncle D having now departed to the West Coast) to go back 2 days a week starting January 22nd and then up to 3 days a week mid February and then full time in March, which is also really great because it allows for a gradual start to going back to work and leave X. And yet...

I don't want to leave my baby. I'm just getting to know him and he starting to seem as if he knows me and when I'm at work I'll get to see him a few hours a day and weekends, which stinks. And yet again, I have to acknowledge that I am so very lucky because I don't have to leave him with strangers, or daycare. He's staying home with his Mommy (Em) and that's amazing that we can do that. In fact, we managed to trade full-time mom status for his first year, with Em teaching his first three months and then when I go back to work she's taking off the spring and summer semesters and dissertating and being with X. And although this leads us to be even more broke then we already are (oy) it is totally worth it and works for Em's schedule with her quest to PhD and I will get over my bad dreams and we will make it work. But I am still sad at the thought of leaving him at home every day.

The Circling Sharks are Howling at the Door

I feel bad that I seem to have stopped posting in the last week. A lot of it is that I'm REALLY busy at work and I'm so tired that I'm having to take several naps a day and go to bed early. But there is a little bit of me that is kind of scared to write about being pregnant, because then it will get taken away.

So instead, I will take a moment and talk about my co-workers. I have a wonderful group of co-workers who I enjoy working with and have good personal relationships with most of them. They have been pretty involved with the TTC process, including one co-worker who had the day that I was testing this past weekend on her calendar in the office. (Yes, we are all the entwined in each others lives.) Em and I have agreed to tell a very limited number of people IRL about this pregnancy until we get to April and except for my immediate boss, that means that my co-workers are now waiting with no info and a LOT of questions.

Hence the metaphor of the circling sharks howling at the door. Three of my co-workers have flat out asked me what the test said. And I've replied, as per Emily's instructions: "I have no comment at this time." Which they are totally (and rightly) taking as a YES. I really don't know how I'm going to navigate this next two months of them theoretically not knowing, while I go to the bathroom constantly and look ill every time someone makes coffee.

So, any thoughts on how to pull this off?

Revolution

As we begin this baby adventure, other parts of my life are going completely crazy. There are so many ways in which I can't talk about them on the internet, but suffice it to say, I finally have something to focus on that is taking at least as much of my concentration as the baby project, and that is saying something. So wish me luck on a scary, but ethically and morally correct course of action. At least I'll be able to tell our little Commune Child that they were conceived in the midst of a revolution.